Daavit Uncles: A Quantitative Analysis
By (The Coconut Fob)
Calgary, AB
February 15, 2007
Introduction:
I’m probably one of the only guys I know my age who actually enjoys going to a thing called “Daavits” (gathering amongst elderly men and women known as Unties and Uncles). Come on, the food is mouth watering and not to mention free. But, somewhere you have to make a sacrifice, which in this case is, sitting in a room with a bunch of Men in their 40’s-60’s, called Uncles. They may be equivalent to an intimidating street gang of 5-10, and their sons don’t bother coming. I guess tonight was counter-strike night. Even if you’re not East-Indian, you know what I’m talking about. It’s scary, because sitting with a bunch of Uncles means listening to theories on 9-11, infinite complaints that are answered with more complaints, and proofs to why President Bush is actually a robot designed in 19th century East Africa. But it isn’t all that bad, you can learn a lot from them, like you can from Grandpa. And be prepared to laugh at some corny jokes, you’ll eventually get them.
For the newbies, I’ve decided to outline the various types of Uncles, so that you won’t be intimidated. Cause let me tell you, if an Uncle asks you “so what are you studying Baita (son)? Your answer better involve two PhD’s or a law degree; and you’d better be completing all that in 3 years or less…
_______________________________________
The "Curious George" Uncle:
Be prepared to indulge in the interview of your life. Uncle wants to know everything. A wrong answer from you will result in a slow and painful execution involving you in a shipped suitcase to Antarctica, and ending with penguins nibbling at your remains. He’ll be soft spoken initially, but once you begin answering, it’ll feel similar to an interrogation for affiliating with the KGB, or in our case, Al-Qaeda in Guantanamo. Example:
“So how are you Baita? How is you’re parhay (studies) going?”
“Oh great, actually I just finished an internship with this accounting--”
(Cuts you off)
“Shabash, good, good, and your current GPA is?”
“Ugh…huh? Oh, well, it’s ugh approximately two point—“
At this point, run for it, because you’ve just committed suicide. Any GPA below a 5.9 is unacceptable. Perhaps you thought the maximum GPA you can have is 4.0? Not according to Uncle Jee. See if you can have the grading system at school changed, so that it’s compatible with Uncle’s standards. After doing so, send your transcript to the Uncle as proof from an undisclosed location via fax or satellite phone, your life depends on it. .
Also, try not discussing anything other than your career and school, because that’s all you’re worth. Other talk may result in more torturous execution methods, such as being strapped to a hospital bed to watch an entire season of “Friends.” Joey, Chandler, and Ross wish you all the best.
The “Wishes He Was Younger” Uncle:
This uncle seems to be suffering from a midlife crisis. He just doesn’t want to accept the fact that he’s getting balder. He tries to do that “Will Smith-Jazzy Jeff” thing he saw on Fresh Prince when you go to shake his hand.
What? Did he just ask if I got the new 2pac CD?
“Baita, where can I get tickets to a Biggie concert (*cough, cough*)? For my son?”
“Ugh, Uncle, Biggie’s been dead since 1997.”
The expression on his face looks like he lost a relative.
“Inna lillahi wa inna…”
Typically Uncles come dressed in throbe’s, dress pants, or shalwar. Not this uncle.
“Uncle, is that your son Faheem’s shirt you’re wearing?”
Does he even know what the number 69 means…?
“You know I was number 69 back in engineering college…best bowler, three years in a row (cricket)…”
I’m thinking, wow, they have bowling in Pakistan? Should I ask Uncle if he wants to go knock some pins down this weekend?
The “Corny / Assimilating-Into-Western-Society” Uncle:
It takes me a minute or so to comprehend his humor. It isn’t easy to translate a joke from Punjabi/Arabic to English, but Uncle makes the attempt.
“Did you hear about the Mouse at the Lion’s wedding?”
“Ugh No.
“Acha (okay), once a mouse, I mean Lion yaar, ka shadi, wedding, and……AHAHHAAHAA”
Uncle never does finish, he just gives in with a high-pitched laugh before the punch line.
Oh no, what’s he saying now? How come he keeps mixing English with Arabic/Urdu? Can’t you just stick to one language? I don’t think that’s a sentence.
“So I took car going fast, guy tries to cutting me off in doosra lane, pir, I’m thinking, is he crazy guy? Wo kitay jaray?...bloody idiots…”
Umm, Uncle, your pants are inside out.
The “Conspiracy Theory / Argues-For-No-Reason” Uncle
Nothing is possibly good, not even Obama Barack. It’s all part of the Zionist’s scheme. Yeah I’m impressed by his knowledge, even though he might screw up once in awhile, and deny it. Why didn’t this guy become a University professor? I see, so you think the U.S. went into Iraq because the Evangelical Christians want security in the Middle East for the second coming of Christ? Right, but how’s that connected with your previous theory that Iraqi Oil will be used to create a new virtual Disney land in Michigan?
For the next hour, I listen to theories on how Micky Mouse is actually a living person; a free-mason who secretly controls the world. This uncle never graduated from MIT engineering, he actually just watched CNN 13 hours a day for four years.
This uncle also has a habit of bringing up arguments, for discussion’s sake.
“How do you know there was no Mossad influence in the Iraqi civil war? How do you know there were no weapons of mass destruction?”
“Ugh yeah I hid them in my pants.”
Whoops, did I just say that out loud? I leave through the back door pretending to grab some Chai.
“The Uncle from an Unknown Village:”
How the hell did the embassy let this guy in here? He must have a fake degree or something. And please Uncle, stop scratching yourself, and or/picking your nose. That’s disgusting. I can’t even finish this Golaab Jaamin now. Did you just pass some gas? Nasty…
I don’t think he had his wudu when we did Maghrib in Jamaat.
This Uncle also has a habit of cursing in his native tongue. You’d be surprised to find out how many bad words I learn in Punjabi at these things…
“The Uncle that doesn’t like other Uncles from different backgrounds:”
Uncle 1: “You know those Karachi’s can’t be trusted, that’s why the capital shifted to Islamabad...”
Uncle 2: “Isn’t you wife from Karachi?”
Uncle 1: “Yeah, but we’re raising the kids Punjabi.”
Lines may be crossed even further…
Uncle 1: “We need to get rid of all these Punjabi’s, they’re multiplying like mice. They’re worse than Shia’s and Zionist Jews. Let me tell you, if there’s a snake and a Punjabi in the house, I already know which one to get rid of first...”
Uncle 2: “Ugh, I am Punjabi, Shia, and my wife’s a convert from Judaism.”
Uncle 1: Has the same kind of expression on his face when I wet my pants in kindergarten, and thought I could get away with it.
The “little too quiet” Uncle:
Why was this guy even invited? He must have really good Talawat.
Is he looking at me funny? Maybe he’s wondering where I got the Roc-a-fella shirt from? Wait a minute…Uncles don’t like Hip Hop. Did I forget to shake his hand or something? I think I could take him…
(10 minutes later)
He’s not even listening to the discussions. He’s been totally still for 20 minutes. Is he dead? No wait, I think I saw a nostril flinch.
The “Way-Too-Modern” Uncle:
This Uncle argues that he doesn’t need to pray five times a day, once is good enough; plus it helps with his arthritis. Is he trying to start his own sect? He wants to follow Islam, but finds it difficult with so many “stupid” Muslims these days. Huh? Yeah apparently you can’t follow Islam when the majority is corrupt. Uncle’s daughter is also engaged to some alcoholic punk rocker and his son was on Judge Judy, and was suing a fat lady for taking a bite out of his arm.
Uncle also has a habit of cursing like the “Village Uncle,” except he curses in English! Quiet! The Unties can hear you. Somebody put a bar of soap in this guy’s mouth…
He complains about how the Khutba’s are irrelevant.
“So then why don’t you give a Khutba next week Uncle? I’m sure you could do better…”
Oh crap, did I just say something out loud again?
“Uh sorry Uncle I have to leave, I have an accounting final tomorrow...”
Uncle sure as hell knows my semester finished 3 weeks ago…
“The Extremist Uncle:”
You gotta be a “Hanafi” to roll in this guy’s hood (or some school of thought).
“Baita is that purple in you shirt? Haram.”
“Oh no Uncle that’s Burgendy.”
“Burgend--? Burgers? Burgers are not Zabiha baita.”
“Nevermind.”
“The Enemy Uncle:”
This Uncle has beef with another Uncle for reasons nobody ever explained to me. I figure this one out when I tell Uncle One I’m going to school with Uncle Two’s son. Uncle one sneers instantly. Did I say something to offend him?
Nobody told me Uncle Two’s son was caught “macking” on Uncle One’s daughter at the last ISNA conference.
The “Egotistical / Doctor’s only" Uncle.
My brother-in-law told me about this one. If you aren’t a doctor, get the hell out of this uncle’s way.
“How could you not know what Dermatographism is? Are you a bloody idiot? Did your mama fall out of a riksha while giving birth to you? You bloody idiot!”
Uncle, I know you have a PhD, but please stop calling me a dumbbell.
Note to self: don’t ever ask a question at a Daavit. Questions are for stupid people. If you haven’t noticed this Uncle is sort of a “big-shot.” You damn right he gets all the backstage passes to the Jay-Z shows. Uncle I think it’s great you have a Mercedes, but don’t you think its 1972 engine and shot gun muffler are a bit outdated? Watch out for these and other types of Uncles, who do most of the talking at these Daavit things, they can lead to suicidal boredom. Also, if you ever get an “military-commander” type Uncle who wants you to also fight in the Kargil war like he did, take him up on his offer. Get shot and sent to heaven may be better for everbody. Just playin'. Salaams.
_______________________________________
Like Jerry Springer’s final thought, we can all learn something from this, regardless if we’re uncles or not. Identifying a problem should always be followed by producing solutions, not by producing more problems/ineffective opinions. The point is that we will always have differences, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards the same goal.
Hey, and if you think the ladies side doesn’t involve meaningless conversations, think again. I heard the Unties are just as bad. But instead of politics and religion, main topics are children’s accomplishments and who Sara and her friends were seen with last Friday
Moral of the story, even though our elders do stuff that appears funny to us, respect them, like Ali G would. Because we’ll all get to that age one day, and who knows how the kids will make fun of us. “Baba jee, you used to go on Maniac Muslim? Ahahahahahaha!” Of course they wouldn’t, I’m sure ManiacMuslim.com will still be cool by 2047, Inshalla. Salaams.
This post has been edited by coconut_fob: Apr 9 2007, 11:20 PM
By (The Coconut Fob)
Calgary, AB
February 15, 2007
Introduction:
I’m probably one of the only guys I know my age who actually enjoys going to a thing called “Daavits” (gathering amongst elderly men and women known as Unties and Uncles). Come on, the food is mouth watering and not to mention free. But, somewhere you have to make a sacrifice, which in this case is, sitting in a room with a bunch of Men in their 40’s-60’s, called Uncles. They may be equivalent to an intimidating street gang of 5-10, and their sons don’t bother coming. I guess tonight was counter-strike night. Even if you’re not East-Indian, you know what I’m talking about. It’s scary, because sitting with a bunch of Uncles means listening to theories on 9-11, infinite complaints that are answered with more complaints, and proofs to why President Bush is actually a robot designed in 19th century East Africa. But it isn’t all that bad, you can learn a lot from them, like you can from Grandpa. And be prepared to laugh at some corny jokes, you’ll eventually get them.
For the newbies, I’ve decided to outline the various types of Uncles, so that you won’t be intimidated. Cause let me tell you, if an Uncle asks you “so what are you studying Baita (son)? Your answer better involve two PhD’s or a law degree; and you’d better be completing all that in 3 years or less…
_______________________________________
The "Curious George" Uncle:
Be prepared to indulge in the interview of your life. Uncle wants to know everything. A wrong answer from you will result in a slow and painful execution involving you in a shipped suitcase to Antarctica, and ending with penguins nibbling at your remains. He’ll be soft spoken initially, but once you begin answering, it’ll feel similar to an interrogation for affiliating with the KGB, or in our case, Al-Qaeda in Guantanamo. Example:
“So how are you Baita? How is you’re parhay (studies) going?”
“Oh great, actually I just finished an internship with this accounting--”
(Cuts you off)
“Shabash, good, good, and your current GPA is?”
“Ugh…huh? Oh, well, it’s ugh approximately two point—“
At this point, run for it, because you’ve just committed suicide. Any GPA below a 5.9 is unacceptable. Perhaps you thought the maximum GPA you can have is 4.0? Not according to Uncle Jee. See if you can have the grading system at school changed, so that it’s compatible with Uncle’s standards. After doing so, send your transcript to the Uncle as proof from an undisclosed location via fax or satellite phone, your life depends on it. .
Also, try not discussing anything other than your career and school, because that’s all you’re worth. Other talk may result in more torturous execution methods, such as being strapped to a hospital bed to watch an entire season of “Friends.” Joey, Chandler, and Ross wish you all the best.
The “Wishes He Was Younger” Uncle:
This uncle seems to be suffering from a midlife crisis. He just doesn’t want to accept the fact that he’s getting balder. He tries to do that “Will Smith-Jazzy Jeff” thing he saw on Fresh Prince when you go to shake his hand.
What? Did he just ask if I got the new 2pac CD?
“Baita, where can I get tickets to a Biggie concert (*cough, cough*)? For my son?”
“Ugh, Uncle, Biggie’s been dead since 1997.”
The expression on his face looks like he lost a relative.
“Inna lillahi wa inna…”
Typically Uncles come dressed in throbe’s, dress pants, or shalwar. Not this uncle.
“Uncle, is that your son Faheem’s shirt you’re wearing?”
Does he even know what the number 69 means…?
“You know I was number 69 back in engineering college…best bowler, three years in a row (cricket)…”
I’m thinking, wow, they have bowling in Pakistan? Should I ask Uncle if he wants to go knock some pins down this weekend?
The “Corny / Assimilating-Into-Western-Society” Uncle:
It takes me a minute or so to comprehend his humor. It isn’t easy to translate a joke from Punjabi/Arabic to English, but Uncle makes the attempt.
“Did you hear about the Mouse at the Lion’s wedding?”
“Ugh No.
“Acha (okay), once a mouse, I mean Lion yaar, ka shadi, wedding, and……AHAHHAAHAA”
Uncle never does finish, he just gives in with a high-pitched laugh before the punch line.
Oh no, what’s he saying now? How come he keeps mixing English with Arabic/Urdu? Can’t you just stick to one language? I don’t think that’s a sentence.
“So I took car going fast, guy tries to cutting me off in doosra lane, pir, I’m thinking, is he crazy guy? Wo kitay jaray?...bloody idiots…”
Umm, Uncle, your pants are inside out.
The “Conspiracy Theory / Argues-For-No-Reason” Uncle
Nothing is possibly good, not even Obama Barack. It’s all part of the Zionist’s scheme. Yeah I’m impressed by his knowledge, even though he might screw up once in awhile, and deny it. Why didn’t this guy become a University professor? I see, so you think the U.S. went into Iraq because the Evangelical Christians want security in the Middle East for the second coming of Christ? Right, but how’s that connected with your previous theory that Iraqi Oil will be used to create a new virtual Disney land in Michigan?
For the next hour, I listen to theories on how Micky Mouse is actually a living person; a free-mason who secretly controls the world. This uncle never graduated from MIT engineering, he actually just watched CNN 13 hours a day for four years.
This uncle also has a habit of bringing up arguments, for discussion’s sake.
“How do you know there was no Mossad influence in the Iraqi civil war? How do you know there were no weapons of mass destruction?”
“Ugh yeah I hid them in my pants.”
Whoops, did I just say that out loud? I leave through the back door pretending to grab some Chai.
“The Uncle from an Unknown Village:”
How the hell did the embassy let this guy in here? He must have a fake degree or something. And please Uncle, stop scratching yourself, and or/picking your nose. That’s disgusting. I can’t even finish this Golaab Jaamin now. Did you just pass some gas? Nasty…
I don’t think he had his wudu when we did Maghrib in Jamaat.
This Uncle also has a habit of cursing in his native tongue. You’d be surprised to find out how many bad words I learn in Punjabi at these things…
“The Uncle that doesn’t like other Uncles from different backgrounds:”
Uncle 1: “You know those Karachi’s can’t be trusted, that’s why the capital shifted to Islamabad...”
Uncle 2: “Isn’t you wife from Karachi?”
Uncle 1: “Yeah, but we’re raising the kids Punjabi.”
Lines may be crossed even further…
Uncle 1: “We need to get rid of all these Punjabi’s, they’re multiplying like mice. They’re worse than Shia’s and Zionist Jews. Let me tell you, if there’s a snake and a Punjabi in the house, I already know which one to get rid of first...”
Uncle 2: “Ugh, I am Punjabi, Shia, and my wife’s a convert from Judaism.”
Uncle 1: Has the same kind of expression on his face when I wet my pants in kindergarten, and thought I could get away with it.
The “little too quiet” Uncle:
Why was this guy even invited? He must have really good Talawat.
Is he looking at me funny? Maybe he’s wondering where I got the Roc-a-fella shirt from? Wait a minute…Uncles don’t like Hip Hop. Did I forget to shake his hand or something? I think I could take him…
(10 minutes later)
He’s not even listening to the discussions. He’s been totally still for 20 minutes. Is he dead? No wait, I think I saw a nostril flinch.
The “Way-Too-Modern” Uncle:
This Uncle argues that he doesn’t need to pray five times a day, once is good enough; plus it helps with his arthritis. Is he trying to start his own sect? He wants to follow Islam, but finds it difficult with so many “stupid” Muslims these days. Huh? Yeah apparently you can’t follow Islam when the majority is corrupt. Uncle’s daughter is also engaged to some alcoholic punk rocker and his son was on Judge Judy, and was suing a fat lady for taking a bite out of his arm.
Uncle also has a habit of cursing like the “Village Uncle,” except he curses in English! Quiet! The Unties can hear you. Somebody put a bar of soap in this guy’s mouth…
He complains about how the Khutba’s are irrelevant.
“So then why don’t you give a Khutba next week Uncle? I’m sure you could do better…”
Oh crap, did I just say something out loud again?
“Uh sorry Uncle I have to leave, I have an accounting final tomorrow...”
Uncle sure as hell knows my semester finished 3 weeks ago…
“The Extremist Uncle:”
You gotta be a “Hanafi” to roll in this guy’s hood (or some school of thought).
“Baita is that purple in you shirt? Haram.”
“Oh no Uncle that’s Burgendy.”
“Burgend--? Burgers? Burgers are not Zabiha baita.”
“Nevermind.”
“The Enemy Uncle:”
This Uncle has beef with another Uncle for reasons nobody ever explained to me. I figure this one out when I tell Uncle One I’m going to school with Uncle Two’s son. Uncle one sneers instantly. Did I say something to offend him?
Nobody told me Uncle Two’s son was caught “macking” on Uncle One’s daughter at the last ISNA conference.
The “Egotistical / Doctor’s only" Uncle.
My brother-in-law told me about this one. If you aren’t a doctor, get the hell out of this uncle’s way.
“How could you not know what Dermatographism is? Are you a bloody idiot? Did your mama fall out of a riksha while giving birth to you? You bloody idiot!”
Uncle, I know you have a PhD, but please stop calling me a dumbbell.
Note to self: don’t ever ask a question at a Daavit. Questions are for stupid people. If you haven’t noticed this Uncle is sort of a “big-shot.” You damn right he gets all the backstage passes to the Jay-Z shows. Uncle I think it’s great you have a Mercedes, but don’t you think its 1972 engine and shot gun muffler are a bit outdated? Watch out for these and other types of Uncles, who do most of the talking at these Daavit things, they can lead to suicidal boredom. Also, if you ever get an “military-commander” type Uncle who wants you to also fight in the Kargil war like he did, take him up on his offer. Get shot and sent to heaven may be better for everbody. Just playin'. Salaams.
_______________________________________
Like Jerry Springer’s final thought, we can all learn something from this, regardless if we’re uncles or not. Identifying a problem should always be followed by producing solutions, not by producing more problems/ineffective opinions. The point is that we will always have differences, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards the same goal.
Hey, and if you think the ladies side doesn’t involve meaningless conversations, think again. I heard the Unties are just as bad. But instead of politics and religion, main topics are children’s accomplishments and who Sara and her friends were seen with last Friday
Moral of the story, even though our elders do stuff that appears funny to us, respect them, like Ali G would. Because we’ll all get to that age one day, and who knows how the kids will make fun of us. “Baba jee, you used to go on Maniac Muslim? Ahahahahahaha!” Of course they wouldn’t, I’m sure ManiacMuslim.com will still be cool by 2047, Inshalla. Salaams.
This post has been edited by coconut_fob: Apr 9 2007, 11:20 PM
